E_WASTE_REVIEW

The package arrived in a grey plastic bag. No box. Just bubble wrap and a single sheet of paper with QR codes.

The device itself feels lighter than a pencil. The strap is made of a material that feels like it wants to fuse with my skin. The screen is not a screen. It's a tiny 0.96-inch TFT display hidden behind a large black bezel to make it look like an Apple Watch.

First Instruction: "Please to charge for 2 hours before start."

I plugged it in. The charging mechanism is terrifying. You have to physically rip one of the straps off to reveal a USB connector. I thought I broke it. I pulled, heard a sickening snap, and behold: a USB-A connector.

To set the time, you MUST download an app called "FitProPlusMate" (not the real name, but close). I scanned the QR code. It downloaded an APK file directly. Chrome warned me: "This file may be harmful."

I installed it on a burner phone. Here are the permissions it requested:

• [x] Access Contacts
• [x] Access Call Logs
• [x] Access SMS
• [x] Access Camera (Take photos without notification)
• [x] Access Microphone
• [x] Access Location (Precise)
• [x] Read/Write External Storage

Why does a pedometer need to read my text messages? Data mining. That's why it's $3.99. You are not buying a watch. You are selling your life for $4.

The box claims: "Dynamic Heart Rate & Blood Pressure Monitoring."

I strapped it on. It measured my heart rate: 72 BPM. Accurate-ish.

Then, I took it off and strapped it to a banana.

Banana Heart Rate: 75 BPM.

I strapped it to a roll of toilet paper.

Toilet Paper Heart Rate: 80 BPM.

Conclusion: It is not measuring anything. It is flashing a green light and generating a random number between 60 and 100. It is a random number generator on a strap.

I walked 100 steps (counted manually).

Watch Count: 243 steps.

I sat on the couch and waved my arm while eating chips.

Watch Count: 500 steps.

If you want to cheat on your insurance fitness rewards program, this is the device for you.

I enabled notifications. When I got a text, the watch vibrated so hard it rattled against the table. The screen turned on.

It displayed: "MESSAG"

That's it. Just "MESSAG". Who is it from? What does it say? The watch doesn't know. It just knows that somewhere, something happened.

After 24 hours, the screen started flickering. I decided to open it up. I didn't need tools. I dropped it on the floor and it popped open.

Contents:

• A tiny battery (smaller than a coin).
• A motherboard the size of a fingernail.
• A vibrational motor.
• The "sensor" is just a green LED. There is no sensor. Just a light.

The battery was swollen. It looked like a spicy pillow waiting to explode.